I have been trying to stay positive throughout this whole cancer business which has not been easy, especially since I have been brought to the brink of death twice now. Even though I am completely grateful that I am surviving it and thankful for all the love and support I have been getting from so many, today was one of those days where I am just sad that I have cancer. I miss my life from before I had cancer. I had energy and strength and was aware of everything going on in my body, except the cancer apparently. Now I always feel kind of bad, my body hurts everywhere, and I have absolutely no energy or strength. I know that it is all temporary, but sometimes I get blue and think, "It’s just not fair." I tried to do everything right to keep from getting cancer and it still didn’t work. I just want anyone who might go through this, God forbid, to know that you will always have highs and lows. I know I could go to the doctor and get anti-depressants at anytime, but honestly the thought of more drugs with side effects does not appeal to me. Plus I want to feel the highs and lows because I want to be able to work it out on my own and find my strength.
Now that I have finished my antibiotics from my staph infection, it seems that my depression has gone away too. This is why I always hated taking medicine before this cancer business. I swear the side effects are almost as bad as the illness. It looks like in a few days I will be setting up my new chemo schedule for next week. I am hoping for Thursdays. That way, on day 3-4 when I start feeling bad someone will be in the office and if I am having problems I will be able to go get checked instead of having to go to the hospital. Plus if I do have to go to the hospital, it will be during the week and not on the weekend. Weekends in the hospital are kind of crazy.